I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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