the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you made out with another girl for some wings
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