Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
