hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
