I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
