walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
