sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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