i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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