I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
