I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize