I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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