if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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