So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
