Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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