it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
