Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
