me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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