just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
