She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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