this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
