I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just blew my weed a kiss
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
