I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
