My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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