wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
