i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize