I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
