i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
