I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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