There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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