1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
