I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Jerry, you need to find god
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
