I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And then he peed in my hair
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