You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
