Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
