Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
