He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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