Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize