Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
