i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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