I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
