All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
