Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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