So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
