Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
