he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
