I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
