for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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