never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize