Your dad touched me again.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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