Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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