And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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