Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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