My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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