hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
