I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
