Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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